I met with a woman the other day who, at the end of our meeting, she was still unsure about joining the service. This is someone who had researched us, shopped around, visited our website and contacted the office on more than one occasion before ultimately arranging an interview with me. The interest was clearly there. When I asked her the reason for her reluctance, it wasn’t the cost, or the commitment or anything to do with “really being ready for a relationship” that was holding her back. Instead she said, “I just don’t believe “He’s” out there”. The “he” in question was of course her ideal partner. It seems who she wanted wasn’t who she had been meeting. Knowing what you want and then never having it materialize can be extremely frustrating. Being a 30-plus year veteran of the Matchmaking business, this was not the first time I have come up against some variation of this statement, and the dating fatigue that usually prompts it. Of course, I UNDERSTAND THE TEMPTATION TO GIVE UP. However, my experience allows me to realize that “he” is out there, but I NEEDED/WANTED HER TO BE ABLE TO SEE THAT FOR HERSELF
So, we continued to explore what this woman was looking for in an ideal partner. At the same time, I tried to identify where the disconnect was between what she wanted and what she was getting. The things she was prioritizing in a partner were not rare or unreasonable. In fact, she was looking for things most of us appreciate in a partner. Someone interesting, funny, honest, good character, similar interests, shared sensibilities, common goals and a comparable lifestyle. Her Wish list was not the problem! So, if what she wanted wasn’t the issue then perhaps how she was going about it was. I asked her a simple question-“How/where are you meeting people?” She said it varied. Friends and family would set her up and she would end up going for drinks or coffee. She said sometimes she would be approached when she was out socially or running errands and get asked out for drinks or coffee. For awhile she tried swiping left and right and got asked out for more drinks and more coffee. Nothing ever really came out of it though. After all that time spent in bars and coffee shops with nothing to show for it, you could see how this woman could become discouraged. IN FACT, THAT’S exactly why A LOT OF OUR CLIENTS end up coming to us. They’ve tried everything else without success. They think of a matchmaker as a last resort because of an antiquated societal idea of how love and relationships are “supposed to happen”. Add the fact that money is involved and it’s too “weird” because it’s not normal to pay to find love it’s just supposed to happen.
This woman is a prime example of how just dangerous buying into that “supposed to” thinking can be. Like many of us this woman was conditioned to believe that love will find you, be it at the grocery store or at the top of the Eiffel tower or maybe even with your Aunt Sheila’s dentist’s son. Love will find you. Not only will it find you, but it will be the exact kind of love you’re looking for. All your wish list items will be met, and you don’t ever have to lift a finger because that’s how love is “supposed to” happen. If it doesn’t happen for you like that well then there must be something wrong with you and what you want. If love does just happen for you and it’s everything you ever wanted and more that’s great. However, we need to relinquish the idea that this is the only way it can happen. Instead we need to embrace the idea that “anything worth having in life is worth working for” and stop shaming people who choose/need to work for a relationship.